Flashlights & Dreams

I haven't posted here in what seems like forever. MySpace is acting funky today, so I decided to fall back on posting here.

I mentioned this in my MySpace blog, but it's my big issue, and I need to vent to help me process. I went to the doctor yesterday. It wasn't good news. I'm not ready to talk to anyone about what the diagnosis actually is. I feel like I'm 14 again, alone and scared, facing this huge monster inside me. Running away isn't an option, and its hard to get help fighting something so deeply inside you. I'm on a new medication. These things have to build up in my system before we can tell if it will do any good. It tastes awful, but I'll do anything I need to do to make this treatment work. I'm trying to read a book about my illness, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet. I need to fully accept that I have it before I can start the process of learning about it and how do manage it.

It's time to take John to school, so the rest will have to wait.

I've had some dark days lately, but today wasn't so bad. I didn't accomplish everything I'd hoped to, but I lived through the day. I'm just going to have to accept that as being enough. Last night was one of the best I've had in a very long time. I slept like a baby until 9:30am. I'm noticing my body becoming more and more tense as the evening slips away. I don't know why I'm dreading Monday morning so. Sure, I have to work and I have several things to do, but it's no more stressful than any other Monday. I think I'm going to turn in early and watch a little tv in bed. I know, I know. I don't like having a tv in the bedroom, but that's more along the lines of a bedroom I share with someone. Tonight, I plan on sharing it with Sunday Night in Salem. It's a sad state of affairs, but it gets me through the night.
There's an IEP meeting tentatively planned for Tuesday morning. If I tell my boss I can't come in at all on Tuesday, maybe I can squeeze in some time with my doctor. Hell, I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I'm going to spend a few minutes doing some aromatherapy research, and then I'm going to bed. I'll try not to be such a stranger. There's just so much going on that I can't talk about.

There's no such thing as the right thing.
You can't say it and it can't be done.
The backlash is the same, no matter what.
I sometimes wonder why I bother at all.
There are no actions or choices to be made
that will make me any different than what I am.
I'm a freak. A reject. An outcast. An unwanted child.
I'm an embarrassment. A complication. A burden.
I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm weak.
I'm sick to death of the pain of this life.
There are crows in my wheatfields.
Damn them. I know why they've come.
What I know of what they seek to accomplish
I cannot say.
At this moment, I crave the numbness.
There is no happy medium.
All my life, I've felt everything at once
or nothing at all.
My strongest need - the safety of home.
My reality - neither safety nor home truly exist.

I dream of lying safely in your arms.
I also dream of being bound and sliced with knives.
Heaven and hell coexist inside my tortured mind.
Sometimes, my heart sings...
...most times, it just screams.
Drowning in a sea of rage-
I'm losing control.
Every day is spent painting pretty pictures.
Pictures for those who can't bear to see the truth.
I'm so tired of the brushstrokes full of lies.
I sometimes dream of our happily-ever-after.
I also dream of cruelties you can't imagine.
I'm so afraid to let you see that part of who I am.
I'm afraid of so many things.
Of judgment. Of failure. Of criticism. Of being alone.
Even more than those, I'm afraid of rejection.
Of the thoughts about me that pass through your mind.
I try my best to look pretty.
If my eyes sparkle, maybe you won't notice the curve of my hips.
I try to be polite and ladylike.
Maybe if I say please and thank you, it'll matter more than the shape of my thighs.
I can't bear the thought of you being ashamed of me.
I can't stop myself from thinking that you really are.

I wanted to stay. Oh god, you have no idea how badly I wanted to stay. Watching him drive away and leave me standing there completely broke me. I love him more than life itself. More than I ever imagined I could love anything or anyone. And, just like that, he let me go. Like I was nothing to him. Like no amount of love I have for him mattered at all. Just yesterday, we were shopping together, enjoying a long drive, loving each other deeply...feeling like it was forever. That was yesterday. Today, I'm nothing and no one. Today, I'm a memory he soon hopes to be rid of. Today, he's still my life. I felt that making any other decision would make me a bad mother. After all, my children needed me. My mother said she wasn't able to take care of them for me anymore. What choice did I really have? I'll never be able to forget the coldness in his eyes the last time he looked at me. I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't know he saw what I was doing as leaving him. I was just going home. I don't ever want to leave him. I want to be his forever. But, none of that matters now, does it? I want to spend many, many winters snuggled against him on the loveseat. I want to spend many, many summers tubing with him and our boys. I guess the operative words now would be WANTED and MY. I haven't told the boys yet. I know he doesn't think they'll care, but he's wrong. They love him. I love him. We may be damaged goods, but we have a lot of love to give. We were all excited about getting ready to move. It felt like a golden opportunity to a new, healthy life. I can't even begin to tell you what it feels like now. I can't tell you what it felt like to be left standing there, scared, broke and dying inside. Oh god, I need to feel his arms around me. I need to be back with him, where I belong. Yesterday, he reminded me that with him was where I belong. Today - how could I forget? Am I to force myself to believe that all the things he said are instantly meaningless? Please, say it isn't so. I love him with everything within me, and I wasn't worth a single tear to him...

Today's Scorpio Horoscope

Separating the good parts from the bad is not always a simple task, but it is important that you understand the difference. If you can recognize what is holding you back and as well as what is pushing you forward, then you will have the gift of accuracy. There are people in your life who should not be there, and unless you realize that they are not good for you, they will continue to negatively affect your journey. Spend more time with the people who support you at every turn.



This is exactly what's going on in my life at the moment. I have come to recognize unhealthy & counter-productive relationships in my life. I guess I've basically been dealing with these relationships all of my life. I didn't realize I had any choice. I do now. No, I'm not so simple-minded that I base major life decisions on my horoscope. Having Sam in my life has taught me more than I can say. To say that he has changed my life (our lives, really) would be an understatement.

I've spent quite a bit of time with Sam recently. I love being at home with him. He's my Rock. He's my voice of reason in the chaos that I've been dealing with. I've come to realized that, when you've experienced 31 years of dysfunction, you come to believe that dysfunction is normal. Not necessarily acceptable, but normal. I know, now, that this is not true. Sam has opened my eyes and taught me so much. I have a tremendous amount going on today, so I don't have time to go into much detail. I feel as if I'm gaining control of myself, my children and my life for the very first time. I owe so much to his patience, his example and his gentle guidance. I can't praise him enough. He has made such a difference in my life.

I really need to get back to the task at hand. I have quite a bit to accomplish today, and time is passing too quickly. I know I've been very neglectful of my journal, which is a shame since I have so much to say. I'll post again when I have more time.

I love you, Sam. You're my Hero.

Mine --

Keep your eyes, ears and mind open. You're on the verge of learning something about yourself that could move you into a whole new place. Any residual stress about your next step will soon fade.

Ours --

You have plenty to say when it comes to this relationship, but are you willing to put your wise words into action? Put your money where your mouth is. Your sweetheart wants to see what you do next.

Where to begin? The boys and I just got back from spending a week with Sam. There's so much to talk about, I just don't know where to start.
Our week was phenomenal! We had a couple of servings of drama flakes, but it's nothing we couldn't handle. Sam took the boys and I to the Salem Fair on Sunday. I've got some really cute pictures of the boys on some of the rides. They had a great time. We ended up with two very tired boys and two newly-acquired goldfish. We had a picnic lunch and took in a show at the Planetarium. All three of my boys tried their hand at a flight simulator, which was quite entertaining to watch. I love watching them enjoying themselves. Life has had no mercy on the three of them, and a little playtime is well-deserved.
The family went tubing on Monday, which the boys and I had never done before. I loved it! The only one that didn't eat it with a spoon was James, but we understood his reasons. The drive out to the river was beautiful. I love the mountains so much! I enjoyed spending some playtime with Sam. I love seeing him happy, and he certainly was happy out there on the river. For the second day in a row, we went home with two very tired boys.
We drove up to VMI for the 4th. This probably sounds silly, but I got all excited about seeing the hot air balloons. I'd never seen one before, except on tv. I tried not to let on. You know how much I love fireworks. VMI is beautiful. We sat and watched John and James play soccer and football while we waited for night to fall. I can't tell you how happy I was, sitting there with Sam, watching the fireworks. I had a cherry snow-cone, which made me feel even more like a kid. Once again, we headed for home with two very tired boys.
The second Pirates of the Caribbean movie opened on Friday. We were tickled to death to get to see it. For the first time in 7 months, we saw a movie that all four of us really enjoyed. I thought the boys would never stop talking about it. Sam and I sat alone in the theater. Lord hammercy, that was nice.
Thursday was our 7 month anniversary. Maybe it's silly of me to want to celebrate such small milestones. We've been through a lot in the past 7 months, and I think we should celebrate even the smallest things in our relationship.
I wish I had the words to help you understand what was going on between Sam and I throughout the week. There were moments when I felt the deep connection with him that I've been longing for, and moments when I felt completely cut off from him. Thankfully, there were far fewer of the latter than the former. We spent quite a bit of time sharing moments that I can't discuss here. They are too private and too special. He said the most beautiful things to me. He has the most wonderful way of waking me up in the morning. I love falling asleep in his arms. I love catching his eye from the other end of the dinner table, with the boys completely oblivious between us. We shared some laughs with the boys, and I watched the connection between the 3 of them grow stronger. Sam welcomed me home with a bunch of beautiful carnations. I hated leaving them there, but I knew they would survive the return trip in the heat. Hopefully, they'll still be holding in there when I return on Thursday. We have special "grown-up" plans for the weekend. I love watching him with our boys, but I have to be honest with you. I can hardly wait to have him all to myself. We have some unfinished business to attend to.
I know this is getting terribly long, and I still haven't even scratched the surface of the details of the week. I do have one small confession to make. I stopped at Walmart on the way out of town to do some business that Sam asked me to do. I signed the receipt Mrs. Amanda Peele. Yeah, I know. I'm such a girl. Such a girl, so completely in love with that man.

Real life and real love offer much richer experiences than you would have thought possible, but that includes frustrations as well as triumphs. Learn to keep things in perspective with a sense of humor.

You Are 36% Sociopath

From time to time, you may be a bit troubled and a bit too charming for your own good. It's likely that you're not a sociopath... just quite smart and a bit out of the mainstream!

You Are 25% Redneck

The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead. You're just fakin' bein' a redneck.

Your True Love Is a Scorpio

Why you'll love a Scorpio: Strong and sexy, Scorpio will overpower you into falling in love (before you even realize it!). You'll love being swept away by Scorpio - into a world of insane passion. Why a Scorpio will love you: You don't mind letting your Scorpio take the reigns, as long as you know you're truly cared for. Loyal and devoted, you would never do anything to set off insanely jealous Scorpio.

So my true love is...me? Surely, you jest.

Exotic Dancer Name Is...

Mystique

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

You Are Low Maintenance

Otherwise known as "too good to be true" You're one laid back chica - and men love that! Just remember that no good guy likes a dormat. So if you find your self going along to get along... Stop yourself and put up a little bit of a fight.